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Thank you so much! I truly appreciate everyone's encouragement and Bible verses to support it..and I must say that each and everyone of you spoke truth in what I've been feeling.
Last Thursday, I went to revival at a friend's church where a prophet was in attendance & he said "God said, if you really, really want what you've been asking for, I dare you to come up here right now" I wanted to go up to the alter so badly, but I stayed frozen where I stood as I watched people shout and fall out from the moment the prophet laid hands on them & I couldn't see myself from doing that from fear of people looking at me.. Alter call had to have been over 20 minutes but I stayed where I was, yearning to go up, even thought about grabbing someone's hand to walk with me, but then I said to myself "I have to seek and want God on my own; I'm not going to have someone holding my hand when I have to face Him to enter Heaven". I left the service feeling as if I didn't get what I came for and had gone for nothing. I told myself that the next time I went to church that I would let go.
The type of blessing that I feel I may receive when going up for alter call is peace within my mind that everything that I've asked of God, He will do and give it & the release in my heart to fully give in to Him emotionally & spiritually by crying it out if I need to.
I can go to church and the Word can really speak to me, but I will hold in my emotions from feeling uncomfortable with everyone looking at me. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that, "the Bible says that when you pray, to go to a secret place." My husband, on the other hand, opens up, receives and releases and tells me that he feels so much better when church is over.
You guys are right, it is the Holy Spirit pulling at my heartstrings for a spiritual breakthrough.
I have to get over my fear of "what will people say, what will they think, how will they look at me, how will they feel?"
Thank you, again, for your encouragement. You just don't know how much it's helped me.