3

What should a Christian lady do if she's been dating a man from her church who starts to touch her inappropriately?

I told him to stop, and he told me it's okay because God understands man's sexual desire.

Clarify Share Report Asked August 13 2014 Final avatar Kathy Baldwin

Community answers are sorted based on votes. The higher the vote, the further up an answer is.

6
Emilio 1992 Emo Tenorio Supporter Shomer
In my humble opinion you have encountered a wolf in sheep's clothing or a misguided soul that labors under a misconception, either way remove yourself.

Report these actions to your Pastor or Elders so that they are aware of the threat within the body and can begin correction and hopefully restore this soul if possible.

There maybe a pattern here or is it a one time transgression? Either way it's our duty to report any threats to the body of Christ that we may encounter. As our active enemy will use anyone and anything as a weapon against the body, be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.
1 Cor. 16:13

In the Lord's freedom my sister...................warrior on

August 13 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


6
Q jcryle001 JD Abshire
I would ask him: "Where is that verse found"? The short answer is to quit seeing him. It would be prudent to step back and do a realistic self evaluation. Do you dress in a manner becoming a Christian lady? I'm 61 years old and have been married to my one and only love for 41 years. However when in conversation I have a hard time focusing on a lady's face when she is displaying a large portion of her sexual identity. Are you sending any "signals" in the form of gestures, looks or half heartedly saying "No, stop that, etc?"

Let's face it. With children and now grandchildren you have been around the block and know how the game is played. Although I have never been divorced my wife and I were legally separated for several months early in our marriage. We both experienced rejection, failure, a sense of being unattractive, unloved and unwanted. 

I don't know the circumstances of your divorce but the Bible teaches sex outside of marriage is wrong, period. Your friend told a half truth. God definitely understands man's sexual desire, but the OK part is a lie and you know it. The Bible warns against sexual sin more than any other, i.e. it is not okay.

1 Corinthians 6:18 "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."

1 Corinthians 7:2 "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."

1 Corinthians 7:9 " But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." 

1 Thessalonians 4:3 "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:"

(You can't let a kid go to the edge of the water and expect that he not want to get in. You have to keep him away from the water).

August 13 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


4
Imag0495 Lynn Willis Obedient Daughter of the High King of the Universe
Firstly, no godly man would EVER use God as an excuse to act sexually inappropriately! That's a low one if you ask me. We ALL have temptations re: sex. Methinks satan is using him to tempt you to fall! 

When he throws that one at you, tell him yes, He does understand it all too well, and that is why He says lust is a sin, and sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin.

THEN READ ROMANS 6 to him:
12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. 13 Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. 14 For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.

And if that man doesn't stop, with a scripture discussion about sin, then he doesn't respect you, and if he doesn't respect you, he's not worth it and it is my humble opinion that you should bless him and send him on his way because you belong to God.

THEN thank GOD for revealing the truth of this man to you, and ask Him to show you the real man you are meant to be with!

Be true to God and to yourself in the process of choosing wisely. If you do something that offends God and compromises you in the process, you are the only one who suffers in sin. If you obey Him in all things, then you are the one who is blessed! 

See how it works? Jesus never said it would be easy, just worth it.

Blessings,
in HIM,
Lynn

August 13 2014 2 responses Vote Up Share Report


3
Mini Em T
From my personal experience I would like to give you the following advice. Going too far sexually without being married is something that can destroy a person. If I had known these things at the right time, it would have saved me from a lot of anger, bitterness, fear, sorrow and guilt. I have now been able to process the things I have gone through and I have found healing by the grace of God. Maybe my experience can be used for good. I say all these things out of love and a concern for the persons involved. 

You can set your own boundaries in this area, even if the other person doesn't agree. After all, you are not married and it is still your own body. 

If you want to stop, you have the right to. In my case, I told the man to stop and I expected and trusted him to stop, but he didn't. I should have taken my own responsibility seriously, and have made him stop. 

I think for a woman it is much easier to control sexual desires, but if a man goes too far in this area without being married, he will have to carry as much guilt as a woman, if he is a Christian. So if you stick to set boundaries, you are not only protecting yourself, but also the other person, even though he might not admit it. 

Ask God what to do in this situation, and decide your boundaries beforehand. Don't let anything deceive you, I know men can talk their way into getting what they want, but through the Holy Spirit you know what to do and you know the truth. 

If a man cannot wait or control his sexual desires, and especially if he does not respect your boundaries, I would question his motives. Is it out of lust or love that he is dating you?

You know what God is asking of you and it is your own responsibility to live according to His will. 

God does understand man's sexual desire, and he has created it to be satisfied in marriage. Sex is not needed to survive, like food or clothing. God has given man sexual desires, but he has also given him self-control. 

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." - Galatians 5:22

May God give you strength and fill you with His truth, so that you will be completely free in all you do and in every choice you make. He is faithful.

August 13 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


3
Mini Michael Hill Son. Servant. Slave. All of the Most High.
I would give a long, drawn out answer filled with theology, but that's not necessary here. There are two choices. 

1. He can repent
2. You can "repent" of dating him and/or considering him as a husband. 

In the second part, I use the word repent meaning that you'd make a complete 180 in your decision to date him, and not that dating him was ever some inherently sinful idea. 

By the way, by using the excuse that he provided, he's proving to you how much of a conviction of sin he has, or rather, that he doesn't have any. At the mentioning of you saying how wrong everything was, he should have been convicted, ashamed and stopped his behavior. Do you want this kind of man leading you? This can ruin you in ways you currently can't conceive. Give him these two options, and do so quickly before things escalate any further. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be. 

I know what I'm talking about. Before I became a Christian, and while I had only been saved for a couple of months, I was the kind of guy you're dating. I'm still a virgin, but I wasn't living in purity. I ruined someone's life and though I didn't take a virginity, I still stole purity from her. Years later I wallow in regret because of all of the pain that I caused her. I just hope that she finds Christ as I did, and that He would heal her inner hurts as only he can. Nevertheless, don't put up with it. At all!

P.S. If it weren't for grace, I'd be dead and in Hell. If he stops what he's doing, then praise God! If he doesn't, part ways with him. It's hard, but it's that simple.

August 17 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


3
1384946710 TC Hannah Evangelist Mossionary, Mt. Carmel Deliverance Center COGIC
It is so important to know the Word of God for ourselves, so we are able to discern what is truth or a lie (John 16:13). The Holy Spirit is a comforter and teacher (John 14:26), and He will convict us if our thoughts and actions do not align with God''s word (Hebrews 4:12) Touching is a very dangerous area and will result in the final act of fornication if you do not end it now. 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us with every temptation God will make a way of escape. Your relationship with a God is more important than the companionship with a person enticing you to sin.

August 17 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


3
Closeup Jennifer Rothnie Supporter Housewife, Artist, Perpetually Curious
There are various responses available, depending on the unique circumstances [For all, seeking advice from a mentor, parent, or pastor is advised]:


"If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward his virgin, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married".
(I Cor 7:36)

Also, I Cor 7:1-9

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." I Cor 7:8-9

If both of you are having difficulty controlling your passions, and if no parent or pastor has an objection as to his/your character or ability to marry, then the two of you should take steps towards marriage. You may wish to each get accountability partners, or only meet in supervised or public scenarios until you are married, if your passions are uncontrollable. If you do have doubts as to his character or ability to lead you closer to God, than the two of you should break up and have no unsupervised contact.

If his actions are forceful or profane (making advances towards sex, sexual touching of private parts, etc) then this is a mark against his trustworthiness and character. You both should 'flee youthful lusts', rather than trying to stand firm against them (II Tim 2:22) He, as well, should be acting in love towards you, which includes not crossing your boundaries or tempting you to pass them.

He is right only so far as that God/Paul/etc understand the struggle of sexual temptation. God made humans with the desire to marry (gift of singleness exempted) - and sin is often an incorrect response to a God given need. As such, we often struggle with sexual temptation when we are tempted to go outside of marriage to fulfill our need for intimacy. God understanding that we are tempted by sin, however, does not excuse any sin we engage in (James 1:13-15).

It is understandable that both of you will face temptation, being the usual dating relationship encourages time spent together unsupervised. You also will probably each have a different measure of what is 'appropriate'. E.g. one of you could believe hand holding or any physical contact is inappropriate, whereas the other is comfortable with hand-holding, hugging, arm around the shoulder, and other physical guestures of affection. These sorts of things should be talked over, and neither should force the other to act in a manner that makes them uncomfortable.

[Advice: as any physical contact increases the rush of hormones such as Oxytocin, which greatly compromise your decision making skills, then physical contact should be avoided in the beginning stages of a dating or courting relationship. The level of physical intimacy (handholding, etc) should reflect the true level of intimacy and commitment in the relationship - it should not precede it. A marriage is only as strong as its underlying friendship (not the fluctuating buzz of hormones). The final stage of commitment/intimacy is, of course, the covenant of marriage itself. Only after marriage can physical intimacy of a sexual nature be engaged in]. 

If neither of you have mentors, or at least parents or someone you can privately talk to about concerns or goals, then you should each seek them. It also would be wise to get a mentor, pastor, or older couple to walk with both of you jointly on your relationship.

If he is acting in a grossly inappropriate manner and is forcing you in any way, then you should break off unsupervised contact with him outside of meeting with him and another one or two strong christians for the purposes of accountability and reconciliation.

August 18 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


2
Mini Todd Anders
The fact that you've brought this question here shows that you know this behavior and his excuse is wrong. This is a good example of why God gave us a conscience. You listened to yours and did not override it, and now you have a better understanding of the number one way that God speaks to us! That still small voice will always speak to us in times like this but it never screams at us, you will always hear it IF you are listening.

I applaud you for your desire to live right and please God. I believe God is very happy with you right now because you've shown Him that you are sincere about pleasing Him more than pleasing yourself or others. This is how we grow in God, by winning one victory at a time! And believe me sister, this IS a victory! I say again, though, always have your spiritual ear tuned to that still small voice for He loves you and wants you to enjoy a life of victory and He is our counselor and help.

The regret over sin always lasts a lifetime while the pleasure only lasts a very short time! 

Please let your pastor know about this to protect some other sister who may not be as strong as you, and so that he may be able to restore this brother.
I'm proud of you sis. Todd

August 17 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


2
Mini Mary McDonald
Dear Sister Kathy,

Please see this as a major red flag, this man selfishly desires what he wants regardless of what God 's Word says, and chooses to ignore your boundary of "No". 
As JD stated above, step back and follow his counsel; and from a woman's experience, also for your own safety. People who chose to violate another's personal boundaries in this intimate area generally have no respect for you nor will they honor most any boundary, Scriptural or earthly, as they see their needs and wants as supreme.
Now as a woman alone, we often get lonely, feel unwanted, ache for some love, attention, and affection and these needs are all part of who we are as God Created us. However, and I cannot stress this strong enough, Proverbs in Scripture states the following... (switch genders in these Verses as both are applicable.) God's Word applies to ALL HIs children, so the gender is irrelevant. 

"For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?" (Proverbs 5:20 NKJV)

"Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman." (Proverbs 21:19 NKJV)

"A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike"(Proverbs 27:15 NKJV)

"Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman." (Proverbs 21:9 NKJV)

In other words Sister, it is better to be alone, than with a man who does not respect you, your boundaries, or the true Word of God to fulfill his own desires and pleasures, and it WILL only gets worse! Do not be unequally yoked!

I did not see or heed the warnings of the Red Flags, the penalty is total isolation, loneliness, and misery but married. Please see your Pastor/Minister and pray for God to fill your needs and the longing of your heart, and if it is His Will for you, provide a real Christian man who not only Honors and Loves God, but respects you and YOUR life in Christ too.

Praying for your strength, courage, and God's wisdom so you can do what is right in this situation. You are not alone!

August 17 2014 0 responses Vote Up Share Report


Add your Answer

All answers are REVIEWED and MODERATED.
Please ensure your answer MEETS all our guidelines.

What makes a good answer? ▼

A good answer provides new insight and perspective. Here are guidelines to help facilitate a meaningful learning experience for everyone.

  1. Adhere to the eBible Statement of Faith.
  2. Your answer should be complete and stand-alone.
  3. Include supporting arguments, and scripture references if possible. Seek to answer the "why".
  4. Adhere to a proper tone and spirit of love and understanding.
  5. For more info see The Complete Guide to eBible
Header
  1. 4000 characters remaining