How can a father best meet the needs of a child born out of wedlock, and of his mother, while still showing love to his own wife?

I have a child outside my marriage and my wife wants me to reject the child, she does not want me to go visit the child. She actually wants me to deny I am the father of the child which I can’t.  I have asked God for forgiveness and I believe I should not neglect my responsibility towards the child. I needed advice as to how to treat the child and the child’s mother. Do I take her on as a second wife? Or forget the relationship and just focus on taking care of my child only?

Clarify Share Report Asked April 10 2015 Data Adanko White

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84924d6f 9be5 4261 9e07 ab5f6a8c5842 Lena Wms Student @Christ Gospel Church, S.S.Teacher, Observer
My dear Brother in Christ, thank you for being willing to stand up and ask this really tough question that faces many of our Brothers and Sisters today. In our Society today, we have lost sight of the morals and standards that God put in place for us. These were not put in place by man, but by God. 

I am so thankful that you have come to Christ, know His Saving Grace, and have asked His Forgiveness. Understanding that at the Cross all ground is equal, (no sin is greater or lesser than another) the Blood of Jesus covers all sin and is VICTORIOUS over ALL! 

However, there are conquencences of our actions. This is God's Divine Principle of Reaping what you have Sown. Just as a seed of corn will always bring up a stalk of corn, so does a thorn bring up a thorn. We will held accountable for our actions. In some Eastern religions, they teach for every action, there is a reaction, they are right, to a point. 

God has forgiven you of the sin of having sex outside of marriage. However, the child, the innocent byproduct of that sin must still be provided for. Does this mean that you must have a relationship with the mother of the child? No, only as it pertains to the child. There are ways that a caring Christian MAN can arrange to see his child without being in the presence of the mother. 

1. Offer your Wife the security of Your LOVE by ALWAYS loving God FIRST!

2. Arrange to pick up the child at daycare, school, or trusted relative. Drop her off at a trusted relative, be ON TIME!

3. Never see the mother of the child without your WIFE present. (Wives, control your eyes, do they really need to roll in different directions when you see this woman, after all you both loved the same man at one point, He is a Christian now, with YOU and TRYING. Cut some slack)

4. Always hold your Wife, and your plans, your family, ahead of your "baby mama" demands. (Do Not allow Guilt Factors to CONTROL YOU)

5. Spend as much time with your current children as you attempt to spend with your first child. It is noticed! Trust Me!

6. School is an important factor, but CHURCH is PREMIUM! GO to Church at ALL COST! Take Everyone you can, including your first child if possible, to church. If this is not possible, Pray for them. 

7. Do NOT neglect your Financial obligations to this child. However, remember it is to the CHILD! Housing, Clothing, Food, Schooling. If you suspect, think, wonder, pause in your spirit for a second that your child is not getting any of these things? CHECK Double Check, Triple Check, and Check again. You are their Father. This is your responsibility!

I thank you again, my Brother, I will be praying for you, and for your family.

Be Blessed, 

April 10 2015 1 response Vote Up Share Report

Mini Stan Long
I am learning right now how to act towards my children (who are grown) the same way God acts towards us as a father. He doesn't always agree with our "freewill" decisions but loves us all unconditionally. I believe this child is no mistake as God doesn't make mistakes. We are all put on the planet for a purpose a mission if you will. When that mission is complete our spirits go back to the Father. This child is a product of Gods perfect will regardless of the conceptual circumstances and should be treated as such. There are many stories in the Word concerning children, David and Bathsheba is one. Seeking Gods will and direction as a united couple is the way to go, and give this child the love and attention and self worth deserved.

April 10 2015 0 responses Vote Up Share Report

Stringio Debra Chiappetta Retired
Ask forgiveness from God, but this doesn't mean reconciliation with sinners. You have an obligation to your child, not so much to the mother. Ephesians 5:3-17. You should have a co-parenting relationship with the mother which should be more like a business or co- worker relationship, not a friendship or "wife" relationship. You need to financially support the child, and to find a way to visit with the child in a neutral setting, not at the mother's home, so you can establish and maintain a relationship with the child. Your first prioirty is to God, then your current wife, so her place as wife must be honored, Husbands, love your wives, Read Ephesians 5:25-30. Pray about it and God will lead you.

April 10 2015 1 response Vote Up Share Report

Kodak camera 851 John Anderson
As you probably already know, especially if this happened while you are married. Sin will take you farther than you want to go and keep you there longer than you want to stay. As time goes by, hopefully your wife will soften on this a bit. But that won't help you now. Somehow you have to make her understand that this was a one time thing and YOU WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, and then never do it again. If your wife is also a Christian, hopefully she will give you that second chance. But she also has to understand, whether she likes it or not, that that child is yours and needs a father in its life. It is not the child's fault that this happened and should not be punished. Again, if she is a Christian woman she will come to love this child too, as time goes by. Once she understands that the mother of that child is no longer part of your life.
Best of luck on this. Please have both you and your wife pray together about this. One last thing, I commend you for wanting to be part of this child's life, so many men in today's world just walk away.

April 10 2015 1 response Vote Up Share Report

Mini Jean Email Believer
My first suggestion is that you go to a Christian minister to counsel both you and your wife about this. Because you have wronged your wife, it's difficult for you to ignore her demands for you to deny this child. You have made the right decision to refuse to do so, but you need to find out what is causing your wife to fear your interaction with this child. 

Is she worried that you will continue to see the mother? 
Perhaps she is worried that limited resources will be diverted to support another family, putting stress on finances? 
Perhaps it's the public humiliation among her family and friends that her husband had another child with someone else? 
Your wife is obviously hurt and humiliated by what happened. Try to understand her fear. If you can't go to a counselor who can help her accept what's happened, tell her directly, "The one thing I cannot do is deny this child, but tell me what you would want me to do to make this situation tolerable for you?"

I have other friends who had similar situations. In one case, the wife took over all interactions with the child's mother and was responsible for picking the child up for weekends and even grocery shopping and clothes for the child. She feared that if her husband interacted with the babies mother directly, it would rekindle whatever it was they had. At first the child's mother tried to make things difficult, but eventually she accepted it and they have peace.. 

Another friend decided that she wanted the husband's child to live permanently with them. This is only possible if the other mother is willing to give up full custody. The woman agreed when the child was around age 3, because they offered to send her back to school in return, so it worked for them.

Whatever you decide, this is tough on your wife and she must not feel forced into any decision you make. You must know that in this day and age, taking a second wife means neither of them will be faithful to you. All across Africa and Arabia, women in plural marriages no longer feel they have to be faithful to their husband if he has multiple wives. It's not like in the time of our grandparents when the women needed to rely on their husband financially. A second marriage will only cause more pain and hurt for your wife, making her feel even more humiliated and inadequate. All the best with your decision.

April 10 2015 1 response Vote Up Share Report

Closeup Jennifer Rothnie Supporter Housewife, Artist, Perpetually Curious
This is a difficult situation, as are most of the consequences of sin. For the purposes of this answer I will assume that you have indeed repented, and are no longer active in any illicit relationship.

Scripture does tell of a similar scenario, which can be a good place to start.

(II Sam 11:2-5) King David, rather then going off to war, was at home in his palace, walking the rooftop. He saw a beautiful woman bathing, sent for her, and slept with her. From this illicit union, she conceived.

David's first method of trying to cover the situation was to send for her husband, in hopes the man would sleep with her, and the child be brought up as his. When Uriah refused to sleep with his wife (II Sam 11:6-13), David resorted to the barbaric method of arranging the man's death (II Sam 11:14-21). He then sent for Bathsheba and married her (II Sam 11:26-27).

While David obviously compounded his crimes far past the original adultery, the similar situation of a child to take care of remained.

Firstly, Nathan the prophet took David to task for what he had done (II Sam 12:1-12).

Secondly, the child was to die as a punishment for David's crime (II Sam 12:13-23). This does not mean that you should ignore your child! Rather, it shows how children can be affected by the sins of their parents.

David, at this point, did acknowledge the child as his own. You should do likewise, as "Love rejoices in the truth" (I Cor 13:6). No good will come of denying the child is yours. Indeed, God protects the fatherless (Psalm 82:3-4, Zech 7:10). Do not compound your initial sin by making an innocent child an orphan.

Understand in this, however, that your wife has been greatly hurt. Love is patient, and love is kind. Be as gentle with her as you can, and seek restoration in the relationship. I would recommend that you both meet regularly with another Christian couple you both respect, or with a marriage counselor, if you are not doing so already. Indeed, she has the right to divorce you, if she so chooses.

However, if she chooses to remain in the marriage, then she is also choosing to submit to your rule in the family. It also is probable that she is forbidding the acknowledgement of the child out of fear and hurt. You can, and should, acknowledge the child, and make provision for the child's safety and livelihood. That is the responsibility of any father, regardless of the circumstances of birth.

The relationship with the mother, and ongoing relationship with the child, are trickier subjects.

David married Bathsheba (Allowed in that culture, not allowed in most cultures today), and bore another son with her. She became a true wife. He took responsibility, despite his crimes, to provide for her financial and emotional well-being from that point. A Hebrew men would marry the widow of their brothers, if one died, and take on their children, regardless of whether he already had a wife. This was a good thing in that culture, as it provided for widows and orphans.

In most places this is not legally allowed, but one can take from it the principle of treating the child and his mother like family. This might be like treating the woman as a widowed sister, and the child more like an 'uncle' would. I would recommend discussing what this will look like with both your wife and a mentor or Christian couple or Pastor that can help, to minimize hurt and the chance of further sin.

In the case of Abraham, Hagar was sent away with her son Ishmael. There was too much conflict between the women, and Sarah refused to have Hagar's son raised like a 'son' in her household. God told Abraham in this case to let the bondwoman go with her son, and that God would protect her. (Gen 16, Gen 21:8-20).

The principle that can be taken from this is that God is also looking out for the family. If you know they have protection (a new husband, a relative, God telling you, etc) then you can distance yourself for the sake of your wife.

April 10 2015 1 response Vote Up Share Report

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