Is it sinful to hate my life?
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Asked July 16 2014
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Julian Grear
For follow-up discussion and general commentary on the topic. Comments are sorted chronologically.
Julian Grear
How can I still motivate myself?
Bryan Myers
First and foremost try not to let other's negativity influence you. This can be difficult, at least I have found it to be so. Jesus said that "a prophet is not without honor except in his own country". When we strive to serve, our adversary Satan sends his minions after us. I had people tell me "Who are you to become a minister?" It is simple, I was like Saul of Tarsus, a chief sinner saved by Jesus Christ. Jesus used Paul, He can use you and I too. We must be willing vessels.
It was only through great prayer and a bit of attention getting by the Lord that I finally relented and followed his call. Moses tried to resist God's call. I do not know what the Lord has called you to do, but if you are certain of His leading then follow. When Paul wrote,"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" this is what he was talking about. Whatever he was called to do, he could do for the sake of Christ Jesus.
Seek the guidance of a firmly grounded Christian to assist you. Seek the company of those that put God first. The naysayers put them to the side. One of my favorite psalms is psalm #1. Read it thoughtfully and prayerfully noting what is said about scoffers and the ungodly. It helped me, perhaps it will help you too.
In Christ
Julian Grear
What if I doubt his purpose for my life? Or what if I just don't have enough trust or faith? I know many people do pray with faith depending on God and still come out with nothing. The thought of that makes me reluctant to ask or trust God for anything. Although I was a minister too, even you must understand that I also go (went) through the same challenges of other Christians. I never used to reveal my inner hatred for my life to anyone and yet I was encouraging people to have faith and hold on. I have inferiority complex and I always put others before me thinking they were better than me. That's why I never told anyone about what I go through and how I feel about it because I don't want them to loose faith. So how will I even know if it's in His will for me to endure the influence of others or to go through life's other challenges? To be honest I just don't know what he wants from me anymore. Even now I feel like a useless vessel with no value.
Bryan Myers
Being a Minister, or servant of God, makes us prime targets for Satan. He likes nothing more than to see us doubt or lose faith. Faith is a noun, it is a thing. Like many things we may be lacking at times. I sure have. I continue to persevere. I deal with depression and PTSD. There are days when I can barely get out of bed, on my own. When these days comes it is the Lord's strength that I rely upon. With the PTSD, I have prayed for years to be released from this. It is better. I can function, but at times out of the blue, a sound or smell will trigger an anxiety or panic attack. These made me feel useless to God, like something was wrong with me, or I was not good enough to serve Him. What I came to realize is that these frailties are what makes me useful. Because I have experienced God's compassion, I can show it for others and help them to find comfort in His Word. You are a useful vessel. The fact that you are reaching out proves it.
As to the surety of God's purpose for your life, I know several people that began serving in one capacity only to find their true calling later after many years. The real key again is being willing to serve, which you obviously are or have been. You may also be suffering from burnout.
As a Christian, I implore you to return to the roots of your faith. Go back to the beginning if need be. We have a loving merciful God who gave His Son for us as payment for our sin. That, we can trust in. I will pray for you to receive the guidance you seek.
Dave Kurschner
Julian - There are many times in my life where I need to be encouraged. We have to come to the place where we realize that we are powerless to fix our heart conditions without God's spirit working in us. Do you remember Heb 10:19-25? This is written to Jewish believers that were tempted to backslide, and fall into old practices of the priests following the Levitical law. They were wrestling with having the very confidence that they would need to approach God with their doubts, fears, struggles, and sins. The author emphasizes the importance of encouraging one another daily towards love and good deeds. He goes as far as to say "Don't stop meeting together with other believers." God knows that fellowship and encouragement are critical to a believer's walk.
It's normal to have times of struggle like you are experiencing. Psalm 42:11 says "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." The Psalmist is preaching to his own troubled soul (paraphrase John Piper). I might ask "What are you filling your mind with to combat your struggling thoughts?"
You may need to deal with taking thoughts captive first as 2 Cor 10:4-5 suggests. Then consider reading through and applying Phil 4:4-9 to explore a practical ways to begin replacing your discouraged thoughts with a peace that surpasses your own understanding. Thanksgiving is the antidote to anxiety. Press on in peace, brother.
Julian Grear
I feel like I'm gonna cry after reading this. But I don't understand how God allows us to feel as if he's not there with us. I know he does love and care, but why doesn't he always remind us or at least me that he's with me? And how do you rely on Gods strength so easily?
Dave Kurschner
We are the ones who block Him out of our minds and lives. Sin still separates us...even if it's just from our end of the relationship. Matt 28:20 We can't just live any way that we want, and then think that we're going to feel close to him? Think of him as your father (a perfect version) and you as his child. He'll never stop being your Father, which means he'll NEVER stop loving you. But if you decide to run away from him, or steal money from his wallet, or talk badly about him to your friends (doing things that go against his will), he may use difficult circumstances in your life that help you see your continued need for a savior. If everything is going perfectly, would you cry out to God? Would you love Him? Need Him? Do you know the story of the Prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32? What happened in the son's life to bring him back to his father? Did the father abandon the son, or did the son abandon his father? What did the Father do when he saw his son return home?
Think of it this way...it's tough to steer a car that isn't moving. If you want to be encouraged or reminded that God is with you (he is even through this conversation) then dive more deeply into his word. The leap of faith is to trust what He says IS TRUE. The spirit needs to be informed by truth. In other words. Read a verse or passage, focus on its truth and application in your life, and pray. The Holy Spirit will remind you of those truths, when you need them. ISA 41:10, Matt 10:29-31, 1 Pet. 5:7
Julian Grear
Thank you Dave and that brings up yet another topic. My mind is so so SOOOO complex that I feel as if I have 3 minds that act on their own. So I practically do not know if I even own my own brain. I know the bible does say in Romans 12:1-2 somewhere that we should renew our minds with Godly meditation and yet I have tried but nothing works. I sometimes feel as though I'm crazy any suggestions?
Julian Grear
So can you tell me some things I haven't tried which can accept a God back into my mind?
Julian Grear
And we aren't done either Bryan!
Dave Kurschner
Julian - I had a time in my life where I thought I was losing my mind. I was at the end of my rope with nothing left to offer. I mentioned before about Phil 4:4-9 remember?. To live this out, try this. Take a piece of paper, and on it, draw a line down the middle. On the left side, list the struggles that you have that you need to talk to God about. And on the right, list out things (like people - be specific, things God has done, and even things you are blessed with) that you are thankful for. Now here's the trick. Start praying through your list of "thanksgiving" and focus on that. Set your mind on it. As you go through the day, thank God for that list of things. What you'll notice is that you'll have to write more things on that list. As you focus on being grateful, and praying for other people, God's spirit will begin to renew your mind with a Peace that you can't explain. That's not a mushy encouragement, it's is a Promise from God's..he says it.. "a peace that surpasses all understanding WILL BE YOURS in Christ Jesus."
1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness". You need to recognize your inability to fix yourself (as we all do). We're powerless on our own. So identify with your sin, and then confess it. When you can do that, the healing begins.
John 1:12 says receive Christ as Lord of your life, and you'll be given the right to be called God's child
Julian Grear
As I was telling Bryan earlier, I have lost a lot of my faith after endless prayer without results. Does this also require faith to be done?
Bryan Myers
There are three possible answers that we can expect to receive to prayer; yes, no and wait. I personally have received many nos and many waits. I do not always understand why that is, but I trust in the LORD God to make it clear in His time. Faith grammatically is a noun, a thing that we posses or do not posses. Jesus said that if we had faith as the grain of a mustard seed we could tell the mountain to cast itself into the sea. I am paraphrasing here. The point being, we all face trials. Working with convicted felons that have no chance of being released has shown me that even it the dark places of the prison system, one can find the Light of God.
If you have been experiencing long term depression, have you sought medical attention? God has called healers to their professions. While I do not agree with long term medication in most cases, short term treatment can really help. It did for me.
As I previously stated Julian, I will continue to pray for you that you find the guidance that you seek.
Julian Grear
Joke: dang you guys are teamed up on my case hahaha.
Ok back to the real deal. Thank you both for your answers and Bryan I've not tried any physical means to deal with this, because I am afraid of people thinking of me as a retarded teenager or as a crazy kid. I am also bad at explaining this case to others around me. So I just cope with it thinking God will restore it at His own time. Now I think He still wants me to wait. And to be to be honest I am getting tired of waiting when He won't at least tell me when I can expect stuff. What can you and Dave suggest I do about that?
Bryan Myers
Well Julian, I have personal experience in dealing with a similar situation. I am a disabled veteran. I am scarred outside and inside. I deal with PTSD and have fought a war with depression. On my own I would have succumbed to the strain of despair and ended my life. The Lord put healers into my life that allowed me to clear my head so to speak. Now with a clear head, I rely upon the strength of Christ, as Paul did when afflicted by the thorn in his flesh.
My like is by no means a bed of roses. There are days when I am certain that Satan has it out for me. So, I put on the whole Armor of God. There are days when my body hurts and doesn't want to cooperate. I give thanks that I can feel and walk. I see so much in my life where God has been there even when I did not realize it at the time. There are days now when a question my efforts. Upon prayer and meditation I realize that the doubts are not from God, rather they are from the adversary. "Commit your way unto the Lord and your thoughts shall be established." This has helped me.
Julian Grear
So by healers in this case you mean doctors? If so then please know this. The last time this issue was taken to a doctors I was prescribed a drug called stratera. I didn't really need it and yet they assigned it to me. At first my mom thought it was working with me, but the truth was it made me worse. So after that I decided to just keep this hidden in me. Due to a large sum of harsh discipline I endured in Africa , I was able to develop my sane mind again. I really wonder sometimes whether or not this is really still God's will or not because as much as I don't question about my life and where he's taking it, he doesn't answer me or give me clues.
Bryan Myers
Julian, it sounds as if you are asking for me to give you a definitive answer to your situation. At present I am unable to do so as with each reply, you claim what cannot be done, or what has been tried. I do not know the details of your situation and this forum is not the proper place for it to be addressed. There are many medications available. Maybe you were prescribed the wrong one, or the wrong dosage. Did you discuss this with your doctor? I do not have these answers, you do.
What I do know is this, "No temptation has overtaken you except that which is common to man, but God is faithful and will not allow you to be tempted more than you are able but with the temptation with provide an escape that you my be able to bear it." 1 Cor 10:13 As you most likely know if you are a minister, the word temptation here also refers to testing. What is your escape from the testing or temptation? Moses was tried forty years, as were the Israelites. Or what of church history when the Romans were burning Christians? There are many recorded accounts of the martyrs remaining silent during their torture and execution. Not by their own strength, but by the power of God they made the good confession of faith.
Search the Scriptures, they contain your answers.
Julian Grear
Briefly I would first like to know if you wish to imply that hating my life is a temptation. If so then I understand. If not then I don't know what to do still. Putting the medical stuff aside, what if it were all in God's will for me to endure it?
Bryan Myers
The Greek word translated here as temptation is "peirasmos" which refers to a test, trial or tempting. From the tone of your messages, you are tempted to abandon your faith. What if it is the will of God to endure a trial? We all have tests and trials in our lives. The apostle Paul was told by the Lord Himself that he would have to endure much. See Acts 9:16. Paul was stoned, beaten, imprisoned, shipwrecked and finally martyred for his faith. Of the Apostles only John did not die a martyr's death. The persecutions of Christians has not stopped either. It continues in countries where Islam is the dominant religion.
Paul prayed three times to have a thorn in his flesh removed. We are not told in Scripture what this thorn was. What is important is that Paul found his strength in the Lord.
Julian, there are things about my life that I hate. But I do not hate my life. There are circumstances that I have had to endure that I hate, but I do not hate my life. This life is but a moment when compared to what awaits. One thing I know for certain is that feelings change. Nowhere in the Bible does it teach that my standing in Christ Jesus is based upon feelings. My salvation is based upon the fact of God's Word.
Again, I will implore you to search the Scriptures. God's ways are not our ways. God's thoughts are not our thoughts. It may be that you are going through a season of testing. I only know what you have shared. May our Lord bless you and strengthen you as you seek your answers.
Julian Grear
I fully understand now. And thank you so much for all your help. But I don't know how to rely on Gods strength anymore. May I ask how you do?
Bryan Myers
As I stated in my previous answer Julian, I build upon the fact of God's Word. The epistle to the Ephesians teaches that there is a spiritual war going on. Therefore we need spiritual armor. I strive to put that armor on daily. Secondly and probably even more important is that I realize that I need the strength that God gives me.
I gain that strength by searching the Scriptures for relevant passages. I look at the context of the passage. I see how the original message was applied historically and how it applies to me. I meditate upon various psalms such as psalm 1 and 91. These happen to be personal favorites. Finally I try to maintain perspective. This life is but a moment on the scale of eternity. Paul instructed Timothy to, "Suffer hardship as a good soldier of Christ Jesus." (2 Tim 2:3 NASB) The New Testament never teaches that our life will be easy or trouble free. It is the eternal reward that I look toward. God bless you and strengthen you.
Julian Grear
So basically that means you rely on the bible for strength even though you feel pushed to your limit?
Bryan Myers
I rely upon the Truth of God's Word. The Lord GOD never left any of His children. The Israelites chose to not follow His Law. This remains the same for Christians. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will never leave us, we may just be in a place where do to our human sight, we do not see Him.
Times of testing or trial are to be expected. It got to a point in my life at one time, that when things went right I wondered what has about to happen. Remain steadfast. Re-read Ephesians 6: 10-18. Meditate upon each of the pieces of the Armor of God and how it applies. Make sure that you are armed. But most important to me is to stand in the power of His might. God bless.
Julian Grear
Do you feel that power though?
Bryan Myers
Julian, some days I, many days I do not. Feelings change but God is unchanging. That is a Biblical fact that I can rely upon. Too many people look for an ecstatic experience, the only thing I see Scripture speak of is receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit. As you know the gifts vary in nature and use. Nowhere does the Bible teach that all will speak in a language in which they are untrained. Nor does it teach that all will be given the gift of healing. So, I look to the facts that are contained in God's Word. When I do not feel it, I step out on faith anyway.
In Matt 14:22-33, we have his account of Jesus walking on the Sea of Galilee. Notice in verses 28-31, Peter steps out on faith to walk toward Jesus. When he got distracted by the "world" around him, he wavered and began to sink. Peter then calls out to Jesus, "Lord save me". Jesus took him by the hand and rebuked him for his lack of faith. The lesson; step out on faith keeping your eyes on the Lord and not being pulled away by the world.
I continue to pray that you will find the answers that you seek. May our Lord bless you and strengthen you in this time of trial.
Dave Kurschner
Julian - feelings and emotions can be and often are deceptive. It is faith that we need. (Heb 11:1) "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.". As you grow in your faith, the result is an increased assurance and conviction of the unseen or the unproven. Hebrews 11 is a good read to see different heroes of faith that trusted in the Lord regardless of the outcome. Pursue faith, pursue knowing God more deeply......which you can be sure will result in a spirit of increased confidence of his nearness to you.
(Prov 3:5-6) "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." In these times of uncertainty in your life, you may just need to rest in the knowledge that you can trust God. Know that, all though He has a plan for you, it might be different than you expect it to be.
Seeking more answers is great, but taking some time to review these encouragements, and put them into practice in your life is what will begin to really take hold and sink in. So for example, the encouragement from Bryan Myers to review and meditate on the Armor of God. That's awesome and wise advice. Near the end of those passages, it says "In all circumstances take up the shield of faith......praying at ALL TIMES in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication". We need all the armor to stay standing. Praying for you.
Julian Grear
I don't know if this topic is burdensome, but if it is feel free to stop. I really wonder why it is that God puts us through these things. Didn't he die on the cross to take away these very burdens? Why, then, must we still go through with it?
Bryan Myers
"Come unto Me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me; for I an meek and lowly of heart: and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Mt 11: 28-30)
When we truly take up the yoke of Christ, He will carry the heavy load if you allow Him. We are to take up our cross daily, and follow Jesus. It is possible that you are holding on to negative thoughts and feelings that the Lord is willing to relieve you of. We are directed by Scripture, "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." (1 Thes 5:18) Have you given thanks? I have been physically attacked for my faith on more than one occasion. In each instance I did not ask, "Why me?" I gave thanks that I was able to stand in the power of the Lord, and be assaulted for Him. I guess it depends upon your perspective. I get attacked because I serve the Lord? Praise God! The devil is not having his way.
We are to be steadfast in faith, not wavering. But it is not my power that I stand. All I can say Julian, is that you are putting great store in feelings. Feelings change, God does not. God has provided the guidance we need. Arm yourself against these spiritual attacks. My our Lord give you insight.
Julian Grear
So if he's carrying the weight why do we still suffer the burden (which he's carrying)?
Bryan Myers
Imagine carrying your burdens without Christ, then they would be unbearable. Have you ever read about enduring hardship as a good soldier for Christ? How about, being a partaker in the sufferings of Christ? How about the sufferings of Job, Julian?
Have you lost everything in one day?
We do not always know exactly why God does and allows what He does. But God is God. As a professed minister certainly you know the dangers of doubt. Be steadfast. Paul counted his sufferings as joy, to glorify the Lord. Peter counted it as joy to be beaten for the Name of Christ.
I have been physically attacked for my faith Julian. More than once. It happens when we take Light into a dark place. Our adversary doesn't like it. What he likes is to shake one's faith and plant seeds of doubt. But don't listen to it. Satan is a liar.
Keep your faith grounded upon the fact of God's Word. Satan can and will use feelings against you. You say you are a minister, go back and re-read Rev 2:1-7, the message to the Ephesian church and apply it to yourself. See if you have fallen and need to repent. Only you know. I pray that this helps you find your answer, because I will never tell you that it is okay to hate your life. God bless you.
Julian Grear
I don't know if you may have answered this part of the discussion, but I've stopped fervent prayer because I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere
Bryan Myers
Julian, I honestly do not know at this time what answers you are seeking anymore. We all experience tests and trials of faith. Yes, I have answered on prayer and I will reiterate my position. When we pray there are three possible answers that we can receive; yes, no (when we pray for something out of God's will) and wait. The important thing is to remain faithful and steadfast, grounded upon the FACT of God's Word. Feelings change, the fact of God's Word does not.
Satan wants Christians everywhere to doubt. Satan wants Christians to stop praying. Satan will whisper lies into your ears and plant the seeds of doubt. You cannot listen nor let the seeds take root. If you knew of a person that continually told lies and half truths, would you listen? Most likely not. So why listen to the lies of Satan?
If you are wanting me to say that it is okay to hate your life, you are out of luck. I hold all human life to be sacred. From the tone of your replies throughout this discussion it sounds as if you may be suffering from clinical depression. I am not a doctor so it is not my place to give a diagnosis. However, if these feelings have been long term or continue to persist, I recommend (as I have previously) that you seek professional help. Either medically or with a nearby counselor with whom you can discuss these issues. I am running out of space, but would siggest meditation upon Isaiah 41:10. This is just one of the many promises that we have. God bless.
Dave Kurschner
Julian - we are promised trouble in this life, Jesus tells us to expect it. There may be difficult times, or lonely times, times you don't seem to like your life, and times of outright chaos like the Christians in the middle east are experiencing. Even as you live your life as a believer longer on this earth, there tends to be a pull towards our real home in heaven that gets stronger and stronger. Believers in Christ are really considered exiles (like aliens) on earth that look with hope to our heavenly destination some day. But we're told to be grateful, to thank the Lord each day for his blessings and care of us. We must have faith that holds on to our hope. Stop hating your life if only out of obedience to start. Give that hate over to God on your knees. I can assure you, that when you humble yourself, and open your heart up exposing it fully to God, he will give you peace, he will transform your thinking. He's the only one that can change your heart about this life. You just need to respond. God Bless. Dave
Bryan Myers
Well said Dave, I only pray that Julian will have ears more open to your advice than to mine. You are correct in stating that Christians should expect difficulties. We are taught to share in the sufferings of Christ. Keeping one's eyes upon the goal is the best and only way, in my opinion to stay focused.
Julian, put on your armor. Defend yourself from this attack. You have the tools so use them. Do not doubt or waiver, rather remain steadfast having built your foundation upon the Rock, that is Jesus Christ. I pray Julian, that your eyes will see how blessed to are.
Julian Grear
I will try to summarize all my other side questions
1. If He died to end suffering, why did he still promise us that we will suffer anyway)
2. Why doesn't God answer fervent prayers (in some cases) even when they are prayed with faith?
3. Why can't I hear God's voice the way others hear him?
Bryan Myers
1. As Christians we partake in Christ's suffering. What we are freed from is eternal suffering.
2. Are you being impatient and not waiting upon God's time? Are you praying in accord with God's will? Perhaps you have received an answer and have failed to recognize it. God answers prayer in His time not ours.
3. Do you have ears to hear? Remember Elijah? He heard the voice of God as a still small voice. We are taught to "be still and know that I am God". Even when Jesus was preaching during His earthly ministry, many failed to hear his voice.
Go back to your original question. Give thanks for the life the Lord GOD has given you. Go back to the basics of faith if you need to. Remember that this life is but a moment compared to eternity.
Julian Grear
And Bryan, that foundation was wrecked on the day my dad died.
Bryan Myers
Julian, once again you add something to the original question. I have lost two children, yet my faith remains. Why you may ask? Because I build upon the Rock of Christ not the sand of the world. I have been physically attacked and beaten because of my faith and refusal to stop speaking God's Word. Our adversary uses or tries to use these types of events to plant seeds of doubt.
You spoke of fervent prayer. James wrote, "...the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."(5:16b) He wrote earlier in his epistle concerning prayer;"But let him ask in faith, nothing waivering. For he that waivereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." (1:6-8) I urge you to go back to the basis of Christian faith. You say, "that foundation was wrecked on the day my dad died." But not why. To me the reason is not as important as the fact that as a Christian minister, you should be looking forward to the promised eternal life and not backward.
As I have previously mentioned, I am not a medical doctor. I serve the Lord Jesus Christ. You ask of suffering, study the martyrs and how they died. Much of what you have written is repeating the same theme. So I will restate my position. Arm yourself with the whole armor of God. If these feelings have persisted long term, seek medical or professional assistance.
I pray you find your answer.
Julian Grear
1. I'll assume it is sinful to hate my life.
2. If He loves us so much, then why does He want us to suffer so much?
I'm starting to see it as eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth (I suffered for you so suffer for me).
3. I don't know if anything I pray about is in His will because he NEVER tells me so. I hardly ever hear His voice. And I am very impatient with my prayer topics and requests because it is annoying to know that after praying for something for almost two years (even though it's not hard for Him to give it to me), and not a trace of a single result is seen or experienced. So I do lose faith that way.
Julian Grear
I just realized that it's not my life I hate, it's myself. I hate who I am compared to others.
Bryan Myers
Often people that say they do not hear God, do not recognize His presence in their lives. These negative feelings are not from the Lord GOD. They are from Satan. If you succumb to them, you allow him to win."Resist the devil and he will flee from you."
I will continue to pray for you, but I would again encourage you to seek professional counseling on a one on one basis. This forum does not have the space to address all of the issues that you are exhibiting.
God bless you.