How do I support my son who just announced he's gay?
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Asked September 27 2013
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Denise K. Lackey
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Theresa Staten
LOVE HIM. Five years ago, my daughter announced she was agnostic AND gay. I had a brief moment of panic, said one judgmental thing to her that I immediately took back, then retreated to God to search for answers. We continued to love her like nothing had changed, though we did have the understanding that, even though we allowed her 'friends' to visit at the house, there would be no displays of affection in our presence. She lived in the world of homosexuality and drugs for almost three years. At that point she was sharing an apartment with a male friend because she couldn't afford to live on her own. More sex, more drugs...and then she was pregnant. How she was raised started coming back to her...'raise your child in the ways of the Lord, and they will not depart from it.' It takes a lot of prayer, and the understanding that everything happens in GOD's time, not ours. She and her beautiful grandson now live with us. She has told her child's father that he needs Jesus in his life. She is hoping to meet a Christian man who will accept her despite her past failures. She says she still has those 'thoughts,' but she knows they are wrong and does not want to live that way any more because God doesn't want her to. We may never know why God allowed her to travel that road...someone out there needed to learn something from her, no matter what 'condition' she was in at the time, and we have a beautiful grandson who, no doubt, was all part of God's plan. So LOVE HIM...and PRAY WITHOUT CEASING.
Vincent Mercado
Supporter
You continue to love him because he is your son. You have to pray for him that he continues to lead a holy life. There are temptations that men and women, alike, have to resist. Your son is no different. The Church has always been welcoming of homosexuals in her fold. She does not discriminate. However, she hates sin. Therefore, even if she accepts the homosexual person, she will reject the homosexual act. Like God, we ought to love the sinner, but hate the sin.
Tom Huntford
You have to go back to the Scriptures for how to handle this. This person is your child--but they are first and foremost a person. A person who is accountable to God. #1. You have to settle the question of who is first in your affections--God, or your family. Kids are a wonderful blessing (I have 4), but they must not become idols. You have to put both your feelings and their feelings as second place to God's feelings. The only question that matters is, "What does God want?" If that hurts you; if that hurts your children--that would be nothing new to God's dealings with mankind. The goal is not to "keep nice relations with your children". The goal is to please and glorify God. Jesus told us that the faith would separate between closest relatives: "For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law." (Mat 10:35 KJV). You have to be open to the very real possibility that, in order to please God, your child will loathe you, reject you, and not want to be around you. If you are not open to this possibility, it is likely you will not be open to God's guidance, and will not hear from Him. I'm not saying it WILL be this way: but it is quite possible that it will, since it is in the Scripture. If it happens, it does not mean that you failed. The only failure, in this situation, is if you put people's feelings above obedience to God. THAT is a failure. To be rejected by, or to distance yourself from, a child who is following Satan is not a failure for a disciple of Jesus. It should be no surprise that many children raised "in church" openly rejecting the faith they were raised in the midst of. We have to face the fact that perhaps 95% of the people who claim to be Christians in America are not, in fact, born again children of God. The gospel of repentance and faith in Christ has been replaced with "say a prayer". So many children have "said a prayer" in a Sunday School, a service, a release time event, or a crusade. They were told, "You are a Christian!" Regardless of whether they really had repented and been born again. The fault does not lie with our debauched society. It lies with a lukewarm church that is unwilling to live by the New Testament and bear the scorn of the unbelievers. We try everything and anything to soft-pedal the gospel so people won't reject it. But all we do is produce false conversions. Read the Barna polls: over 50% of those who claim to be "evangelical" say that Jesus sinned. Over 80% of young people who claim to be Christians engage in sexual immorality. Duh. We need to wake up and smell the coffee--or should I say, smell the cesspool. All that to say, it is entirely possible your child was never converted, and is now simply old enough to follow their own way--be it following Christ, or following Satan. Your child is choosing Satan at this point. A heartache no doubt. So, it is quite likely that your child is, in fact, a person who is not a believer in Jesus. If they have decided they are not a Christian--if they have become agnostic, a Buddhist, a pagan, wicca, Muslim, whatever--it becomes very simple: they are an unconverted relative. Go to the Scriptures (NOT a bunch of neo-psychology books), find out how to deal with unbelieving people, and treat them as such. You don't need a lot of coaching from people, just seek the Scriptures. #2 If this child CLAIMS TO BE A CHRISTIAN, but is openly engaging in sexual sin, they need to be disfellowshipped. 1 Cor 5-6 is very explicit about this. This is hard, and not very popular in the "church", but necessary. You must not let them think they can spit in God's face and consider themselves in good standing. If they call you judgmental--tough. If they seem to be a Christian, but have been deceived by the likes of Rob Bell etc, who are saying that the Bible does not teach that homosexuality is a sin, then you need to show them the truth. Again, you may get a very negative reaction--but then again, so did John the Baptist when he confronted Herod about sexual immorality. It needs to be clearly understood that the New Testament clearly teaches that homosexuality is a sin: KJV Romans 1:18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness…24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. 26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: 27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God." (1Co 6:9 NAU) "understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, 10 the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine," (1Ti 1:9 ESV) I am sorry this heart-rending situation has happened to you. Nonetheless, it has happened throughout the Scripture. Just be sure to keep God and HIS feelings #1 through this very difficult time. I will be praying for you.
Karen Arnold
I too have had to deal with this in my family, my daughter left her husband after twelve years of marriage, to choose now to live with a woman. I am of course heartbroken over this, but will continue to love her and pray for her, that she will see that this is not God's way, she was once baptized, went to church and loved the Lord Jesus, she says she still does, and thinks it's o.k. to live this way, while she knows what the bible says about such lives. With love, patience and prayer, I hope one day to see answers to my prayers.
s l
This is a very common question lately. God bless you for asking, so that we all may hear some Godly council on this topic. Loving your son is obviously important. God has the perfect fatherly love that we may follow. He loves us so much that he gave us the bible, it is full of tough love. Truth is never compromised nor hidden. The truth is that ALL sin separates us from God. Try to remember how God sees sin as all the same level. Though we love our family who chose to sin we immediately want to rescue or shelter them from it. It is their choice and God allows them to have a choice. Fighting with God's decision to give people a choice will be a futile effort. Rather, come alongside His will and pray, teach, be an example. Remember to be open about your imperfections, temptations and the times when you yourself question God's decisions with your son. This will help him to understand he is not alone in having a rebellious nature. This particular rebellion is often teamed with arrogance. Do not be drawn into the devils tricks. God does not need defending. Stand firm on the convictions of the Holy Spirit, in LOVE. There is often the question: 'I love men, how can God expect me to change who I am to become a robot with no identity following Christ?'. Is there any person who has not loved the sin they are committing. Why would we sin if we didn't like it? It can be an assumption that homosexuals should find the act as disgusting as we do (or God for that matter) and want to change. It is never easy to give up sin but it is rewarding. I mean HEAVEN is just ONE of the rewards. Treat your son as unsaved and love him as Christ loved us; even while we were still sinners. This is just another attack from the devil, trying to take our families. Put on the whole armor of God, and get ready for spiritual battle! God bless all the families who battle through this difficult journey.
Gregory Tomlinson
Not everything is about support, Do you want to find away to support a thing that is hated by God? If you truly love someone you will tell them the truth, I am not talking about mean spirited brow beating or insulting or even ostracizing your loved one, remember you can not be a light to someone or anyone that is not around, unless they try and profess the borned again way. You are then obligated to separate them after and only after you attempt conflict resolution as defined in the scripture, and this is to produce Godly sorrowing to repentance. This act is judged as sin by the law, condemnation for sin came with the law. Jesus died and was resurrected to free believers from this bondage that brings death. Jesus said to rebuke and reprove with all authority, to admonish with love considering your self lest you fall short. You must make your stand in love, do not compromise and expect resistance they resisted Him they will resist you. Be strong in the faith unwavering, and for those who are watching, you will provide them with a rock and anchoring point to find their way to the light of the gospel. You must ask yourself how committed to Jesus are you, will you turn back if your son rejects the gospel? If the whole world turns away will you?I will hold you up and pray for you and him, you are not alone we are the body when one suffers we all suffer. I do not have a direct word of promise from the spirit as of yet if I get one I will share it quickly. All of these things were foretold that you might have faith in Him, if the negative is true so must the positive, He is a deliverer, a healer, the prince of peace and a loving father that gave His life for your peace and reconciliation. Pray hard for your son my mother and grandmother prayed for me a long time, God interceded and saved me from certain death more than 60 times before I surrendered to Him, He Is a supernatural deliverer, the only prayer answering God. Momma told me of being woke up by the spirit with a burden many times she rolled on to the floor and wept and called on Jesus. She would call me out of the blue and check on me and her burden coincided with bad events, and God answered far over and above I am proof. Be strong in the Lord and the power of his might. Maranatha
Chris Dibbern
Think, search, and pray for wisdom. Know that there are those who say scripture does not condemn homosexuality, outright (I am one of them). I have spent a lot of time studying this 'hot topic', in scripture, yet I don't think your son would be ignoring any commandments if he makes Jesus the Lord of His life, and, in following Jesus, is led to be married, even to the same sex. If you can believe this, great! A lot of people can't (won't?), even though they look at the same verses as me. Some are sincere, thinking they're obeying the word of God. Others only look to scripture to justify their existing hatreds and suspicions and doubts. Others, (potentially me, you should consider), look to scripture to justify false or proud views that only seem good, on the surface. Still others look to their religious leaders, delegating discernment on these matters to them, though not in good measure (you must balance Matthew 23:9 and Hebrews 13:17). In any case, Lord @ center = highest love you can offer your son. :-) Teach him to reject the 'gay lifestyle' (promiscuity, etc), and follow Christ to marriage, according to Proverbs 5, if that's where he's called. If this is wrong, if I am wrong, the Lord can show him (and you) otherwise. The highest prize in life is a sincerely-sought relationship with God deep enough that you trust Him to lead you both in this capacity. God bless!
Benjamin Freeman
When your Son confided this onto you, he placed his trust onto you, he placed a part of his heart in your hands, do not fail him. He needs not for you to understand, your son needs only from his family and friends to appreciate his honesty and the fact that he had the courage to tell you at all. He needs for you to accept and love him for who he is, he is your son, this has not changed, you will parent him and support him, do not treat him any differently, do not alienate him as if he were someone different then who he is. It matters not what path he takes upon this rock, that is the choice we all must make of our own free will. I too am gay, I do not know how old your child is, nor does it matter, it took strength, courage, respect, wills, and a tremendous amount of love for you to share with you who he is. You should not let him down. To fail our children by meaningless tides, with selfish intent and a poor or general lack of moral values, you fail your Father who created all of you. "in nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti"
David Whitley
I agree that the sins of our children (or anyone) should not break the bond of love that we do (or should) have for them -- just as our love should be unshakable for any lost person, for any unbeliever. However, this idea that we accept their sinful lifestyle into our household and into the church -- as if the sin was not announced and openly proclaimed -- is an absurd rationalization. I Corinthians 5 tells us just the opposite. We are to cast them out of the church (if they are in the church) if they do not repent (change, remove the sin from their lives). They are to change, not us! We are to mourn their situation, we are to mourn their loss from us, but to accept their sin (which is what you are doing by accepting them) is to be worse than the homosexual -- for those who accept sin defile and pollute the Word of God. The church cannot abide in those who live side by side accepting sin without calling it what it is. The homosexual child must be loved as we must love our family, our neighbors and our enemies. But it must be clear that homosexuality (is a lifestyle choice, it is not who you are and it) is condemned as an abomination by the Lord. As our culture continues to accept it -- as the church continues to accept it -- we are all polluted by the lack of wise discernment towards sin. We all fall short, we all stumble, we all are tempted, we all sin -- but those who live "in" continual sin (reject God and choose themselves and) cannot be accepted as part of the body. Contrary to the modern corrupted view of "judging others" true LOVE is rebuking sin (for sin is why we perish) not winking at it and accepting it and feeling "wise in our own eyes" for having done so.
Glenn Harrell
AVOID EXTREMES even though this announcement is earth shaking. Two age-old, ugly extremes of constancy are: 1-Fundamentalism: a fear based reaction to those who would dare not believe the bible and live by it. This reaction is at the heart of wars and persecutions. It hopes to “convert” its followers by force and threat. Fundamentalism confuses taking up for God, with standing up for God. It creates a frightening brand of hatred that has nothing to do with God or the bible. They do their evil deeds in the name of religion. 2-Liberalism, is also a fear based protocol that seeks to remove or destroy existing biblical instruction that may contradict, restrict or otherwise condemn certain behavior. Abolishing, careful editing or debunking the bible are often necessary for the “freedom” to behave contrarily. God is recreated in their image, as a necessity, thus presenting many gods and arbitrary standards. Ironically, both of these extremes are seldom aware of what the bible actually teaches. They have their own selfish agenda. (don’t let the truth interfere with what we want to believe) Too many people prefer allowing someone else to do their reading, thinking and believing for them.They are legal prey for controlling extremists on both ends. God’s love extends the free choice of belief or rejection concerning His Son and His Word. Be slow to announce his decision and ask his permission if you ever do, even friends for prayer. Preserve his dignity and treat him with respect. Knowledge of right and wrong is not as important as loving. I am impressed with all of the previous encouragements and admonitions to love. This is job #1 for all of those who name Jesus as their Lord. Love is the key ingredient that allows God, when we stay our of His way, to do his part. He corrects and chastises us all when needed---the wonderful proof of belonging. Hebrews 12:7-12. If this son knows Jesus personally as his Savior, Hebrews 12:7-12 takes over and you sit back and love. If this son is not a professing believer, then becoming a Christian is paramount. He will need to know that starting or stopping homosexual behavior is beside the point. Neither will give him what he really needs-- Jesus Love and Acceptance along with yours. If you are a professing Christian who judges the person who chooses to live outside of a relationship with Jesus Christ, stop it, and honestly stare in your own mirror for a while. Drop your stones and go home. You are preaching a false gospel of works and pretending to be God. None of us can start or stop enough moral behaviors to make God love and accept us. When you and I tell people to stop ___________, whatever it is, we are deceiving them by implying that this is how they can qualify to be loved and forgiven by God. I Corinthians 5:12,13 Most often, any hope of coming together is facilitated in the Counselors office where discussions of past hurts, fears and wrongs can be aired without condemnation or unwanted publicity. Eventually, regardless of whether or not the son decides to continue acting out homosexual behaviors, the entire family will need to be a part of "healing"---the kind that ends with love, forgiveness and care. The Mighty Counselor has many excellent counselors on this earth. Seek one out prayerfully.
Don Whitley
Because of our love for our children this would be a very difficult thing to deal with, but remember that Christ didn’t come to save the righteous, but to save the sinner. As a parent, this would be my greatest concern is to save my son or daughter for them to see & understand what the word says and what the end will be for all sin including this sin of the homosexual. I would ask you to read all the way to the end and save your judgment until reading scripture references provided. These kinds of activities are an abomination (disgrace, outrage, atrocity) to the Lord. Their destiny, if not repentant, will lead to eternal damnation! These people, should they come to us desiring to learn about the Lord and wishing to become His obedient servants, would be welcomed. If they wish to become Christians, they have to change their lifestyles and conform to what God wants for us all. I don’t accept that they are born this way. As we see in Corinthians, homosexuals were able to change. And even if they are born that way, God gave us His word that we might know how to live in a way that pleases Him. Surely God would know if one cannot help his condition. He gave us all the same set of instructions to live by so I believe it is an acquired lifestyle. God gave them over to degrading passions (because they did not wish to change)! If they become our brethren and should go back to that lifestyle unwilling to change it, it is our duty to have nothing to do with them, not even sharing a meal, as they are living in sin. We should not knowingly support them and it is our duty to speak out against their lifestyle. I cannot, in good conscience, support a company that is contributing verbally and/or financially to such a decadent cause. If someone has relatives or loved ones and if you truly love them, you would want to bring them to the Lord, not wanting them to stay in their present condition which will end for them in damnation. That’s where the discipline would come into play. First you’d want to teach them, but if there was not a positive response to God’s word, tough love may be necessary to get them to change. This would be because you love them! It is an unhealthy and unnatural lifestyle with the possibility of AIDS and other health issues. Most sinful activities do have unhealthy affects on us emotionally and physically. I think of it as disciplining a child who has a habit of running in to the street. We discipline them because we love them and don’t want them to harm themselves. If we do not discipline them and let them do what they want that may be harmful, we do not truly love them. Our motivation should always be out of love for our fellowman. God wants no one to be deprived of the reward of heaven and that all should come to him. But that is up to them to seek Him. Their souls are as valuable to God as is your soul or mine! The following scriptures regarding homosexuals are from the Bible (God’s Word) so, if you disagree with them, your argument isn’t with me, but with God. Lev 18:22, Lev. 20:13, Romans 1:24-32, 1 Cor 6:9-11 (note especially vs. 11), 1 Timothy 1:8-11, Jude 7, Proverbs 13:24 and 1 Corinthians 5.
Jeremiah Kaaya
Pray for them, counsel them, consult with fellow Christians. They are adults who have been directed the right way but have chosen to go the lee way. As such, you don't have yourself to blame, unless you played a role in this. The biggest part is about the individual and God Himself. We can't transform people, only God has the power to. However, you must not relent in applying all that is available to you to help your son forsake the practice. I would understand such a dilemma someone would be in because by whatever means, you wouldn't feel you should let go. All I am saying though is that yourself can't do more than prayer, fasting, counseling, if at all he (the victim) can allow to be counseled on that, consult, the Lord God of Heaven and earth and elsewhere through His Son Jesus the CHRIST would surely respond to your efforts and have your son change. I personally have a testimony of deliverance, I have shared it with fellow Christians, it has had an impact on them. God does indeed transform people, those who are willing to. However though, LOVE together with strictness, consistence and persistence, would be the leading tool. Never to be compromised that gay is to be accepted in whichever sense of the meaning of it.
Casper Mcconnell
Leanne Payne has a very wise book "the healing of the homosexual" I know the title is no-longer PC but... Her wisdom is that we are all seeking that Love of the Father that gives us meaning and identity. When we don't get it, from a teacher, brother, and particularly father (that warm presence, security) then we go seeking it in other men or women. I see a lot of comment that Homosexuality is not a sin, but to express that desire in action is a sin. What a strange and possibly untenable idea. Jesus taught us even to think things like envy or desires for our neighbors wife is now a sin, because He wants our hearts to be conformed to His perfection. So we are all sinners of the heart until we are perfect, and the homosexual desires are no more nor less sinful than his actions. Think about it, why is Jesus referred to as a Son of God and not just God3.2? The Father wants a bride for His Son. We are as Christians, the Bride of Christ, to be made holy so that we can consumate our marriage with our Bridegroom. The Father has brought us into the Holy Family, we are now His adopted children. The sin is to bring to this intimate relationship within the GodHead these unhealed hurts and unfulfilled deep longing for identity sought in another man. Not the act of promiscuity but the deep need for it is the real problem to be healed. We will not begin to help the Healing of the homosexual brother until we seek and address this wonderful, God given passionate need in him and all of us to know who we are and be enabled to receive the Love of our Father, and be satisfied, fulfilled So homosexual drives and needs are not evil, and only in the strictest sense 'sinful' where Sin is taken to mean the original word from the time of Shakespere when an archer misses the mark. All of us want to know this love of the Father and homosexual people even more so. If they really got it at home then they wouldn't be seeking it in the arms of another. How many marriages are dependent folk seeking the love they never got at home. Marriage cannot fill the God shaped gap in our deep longings. The marriage bed is simply our opportunity to demonstrate His love to us. The answer is not to condemn. Thats why Jesus said nothing about homosexual lesbian folk, nor others who know that they need more love. What He condemned was those of us who think we are nearly good folks and don't hunger for the joy of His Presence.
tasha murrell
Born-again children of God are to love and live like our Lord and Savior Jesus. What would Jesus do in this situation? That is exactly what you do, no more, no less.
Carole & Julia Edge
You should read all of Leviticus, and consider all of what is written there, and how you choose to apply it to your life. You should read what Jesus said about sin, and make sure you are following Jesus. You should love your son, and guide him through this difficult time as though God were judging your actions, not his.
Marie Crowley
Support him as you would support him during any time of trouble. There is a great documentary "For the Bible Tells Me So" (here is the IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0912583/) about a Christian family who's son announced that he was gay. I think there is a lot to learn from their experience. I would say put yourself in your son's shoes and try to understand how it must feel to be the way he is AND to be in an environment where people may or may not accept him as he is. That must be absolutely frightening. It is very brave act to come out and say that one is gay. What's most important about this announcement is that he is stating that he is accepting himself the way that he is. But if he feels that God will not accept him the way that he is, this is greatest void in life a person can endure. Can happiness be achieved if you believe God no longer loves you? If he needs God's love in his life, he must believe that God will look mercifully down upon him, as he looks mercifully down upon any sinner who asks for forgiveness. I think anyone who is capable of loving another is truly blessed. Your son loves and he is acknowledging to you and to himself that he is capable of loving another. For this he should not be sorry. As much as possible I would focus on everything that is GOOD about your son. Do not punish him for this. Outside of family and loved ones there will be enough judgement and punishment. He will need his parents and Church to be loving and supportive.
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