I was having an affair with a married leader at my church. I loved him more than my own husband, but he broke off our relationship. I still love him so much. I cannot help my feelings. What should I do?
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One of the details you left out of your question was whether or not you are a follower of Jesus Christ. I find that troubling, but necessarily give you the benefit of the doubt. That said, do not be led by your feelings. We live in a generation that tends to put feelings above truth. But rather, as a follower of Jesus Christ, we live by every word that proceeds out of the word of God. The word of God for us is the holy scriptures, which we are to aspire to and to live by. Scripture is clear about extra-martial affairs. Adultery is an abomination before God and is counted as sin. After all, the ten commandments are not the ten suggestions. Fortunately Jesus died for each believer and paid the horrific price of having our sins placed on him, not that we would continue to sin, but that we would repent and turn from our sin to Him. Pray that God would show you the error of your heart and that your sin would be forgiven. Acknowledge your sin to Jesus; He is sure to forgive you no matter how grievous they are. Then turn away from your sin and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you in grace, truth, and His righteousness. Since you asked what you should do, I believe it is best to leave where you have been attending church for two reasons: First, to not be further tempted by this man even though he has broken off the relationship. Every time you see him it will be like a cancer that continues to grow inside you. Nothing good will come of obsessing over this man. He appears to have made his choice. Second, you need to seek counseling and teaching from a gospel-centered church that has healthier Christian leaders than this man. This man has forfeited the right to be a leader in not only his church, but the church as a whole. Do not sit under his teaching, preaching, or leadership any longer. I realize your husband will have a significant impact on your decisions. Your marriage is undoubtedly in jeopardy. You both need counseling apart and together even if you never confess your adultery to your husband. Get help to move on from this "church leader" who preyed on you then dumped you. And quit following your heart; scripture tells us our hearts are black with sin. Instead be renewed in your mind, body, and heart by the Holy Spirit working in you and through your studying and meditating on God's holy word.
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