What do you do when you feel you have married the wrong person God intended for your life?


Clarify Share Report Asked January 21 2019 Mini Anonymous

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Closeup Jennifer Rothnie Supporter Housewife, Artist, Perpetually Curious
If one 'feels' they have married the wrong person than the one that 'God intended', then they need to take a step back and re-evaluate their feelings on the topic. This is because God intends those who marry to be married. That is, if a couple marries, then from that point on God intends them to be married and stay married. He never intends for there to be a deliberate divorce just for the sake of marrying someone else. The one who marries 'accepts' that he is now committed to his spouse until death. (Matt 19:1-11) Jesus actually describes the man leaving his parents and being united to his spouse as God joining the two together. If the two separate or one has an affair it is in violation of, not fulfillment of, God's will.

[The exception to this is a historic one - there were times that priests and other Hebrews would marry women that were 'forbidden' by the commands of God. At certain times, God would ask for these foreign women to be put away by their spouses as they were leading their husbands into idolatry (Ezra 10, etc.) But those were clear cases of the Israelites deliberately marrying people they were not supposed to under the law, and it was leading them astray from God.]

The time to evaluate whether someone will be a good helpmate to go through life with is before marriage. Unfortunately the modern trend is to go more off of hormones and feelings than to actually evaluate for values, ethics, communication styles, life goals, etc. Many people, even Christians, end up marrying in the happy hormone phase of the honeymoon period and then later regretting it when the hormones wear off and the hardships of real life expose unaddressed problems. A marriage is generally only as strong as the underlying friendship, yet many couples do little to cultivate the friendship before jumping into dating. It can be all to easy for couples going through rough patches or realizing things aren't as 'ideal' as they first imagined they would be to start seeking connections or emotional intimacy outside the marriage, rather than putting in the hard work to cultivate the marriage they have.

Fortunately, relationships can be made stronger even if entered into unwisely:

- Esteem others before self (Phil 2:3) Focus on the needs, emotional state, health, and wants of one's spouse and how one can help. This leaves less time/focus on being 'aggravated' with what you aren't getting, and can lead to a positive feedback loop where one's spouse is attentive in return!

- Love (Eph 5:28). Cultivate love of one's spouse rather than fretting about a lack of 'felt' love or looking around to get a feeling of love from other places. Love is an ongoing choice and an act of will, not a hormonal up-and-down emotion. It can help to find out your spouse's 'love language' to better understand what makes him or her, personally, feel loved.

- Respect (Eph 5:33) Even if one doesn't 'feel' respect, it can still be cultivated. Be ready to vocally appreciate the little things even if you think they should be automatic like helping with chores. Avoid endless nagging about things you think should be done or derisive comments about things that were done wrong. 

- Conflict Resolution: Talk about communication style with your spouse and how one would address a 'theoretical' conflict. Would your spouse prefer talking it out until addressed? Would your spouse prefer going off alone to process? Does your spouse prefer talking at length uninterrupted or would he/she prefer to take turns? Are their compromises or ground rules for communication that can be discussed/laid down now so that they can be referred to in future fights?

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January 21 2019 0 responses Vote Up Share Report

My picture Jack Gutknecht ABC/DTS graduate, guitar music ministry Baptist church
I once said these very same words to a pastor we used to have. He replied, "It's too late for that now!" 

So I began to work on my marriage (with Christ's help) and now have a much better marriage. I knew God had brought us together; she had come up to me at a Christian coffeehouse called the Lighthouse and introduced herself to me.

I won't ever think or say that again. Much of it was my own fault!

July 09 2021 0 responses Vote Up Share Report

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